My first blog post!…and it is strange trying to make sense to an audience, unlike my diary where I can write in inconsequential order and be like “…not sure if that made sense, but you know what I mean”.
Like “NAH UH, you don’t make sense honey, now write a blog properly so other people besides your confusing self can understand”.
Having stated the above, writing is one of my best form of expression and I feel that I am putting pressure on myself to write and express well; consequently, I have less to say than I thought.
Nonetheless, I digress.
So, honestly, my personality is my secret. It is probably the most mind-boggling secret anyone might just hear, (can you imagine if you played spin the bottle and it landed on you, you then choose truth over dare ((because, c’mon, you ain’t not licking no feet)), then the other players asks, “what is your biggest secret?”, you am over here stuttering, “er..umms, honestly guys, I don’t have one…er…my personality?”. Everyone is over there giving you ‘the look’ ——–> =.= ). Yeah.
For some reason, I do not reveal my personality and intellectual capabilities to anyone, I do not have anything to hide, yet at the same time, I do not feel the need and obligation to show you my all; which as far as I am aware, there is a mutual agreement regarding friendships whereby you grace each other with your personality to form a deeper connection with each other.
Nope, not this girl, not this INTJ female.
As a result, my friends (the few that I know) only know 35% of me and only 2 people know 50% of me (actually, the latter can be dwindled down to one – I am not good at all maintaining any communication and self-expression, so people just slowly disappear and my ‘wall’ shoots back up…again). There is so much effort in getting to know me that I do not even blame people for not trying. I fully understand that.
My first proper friendship (which was in secondary school) was properly formed (in my mind) after 2 years of being around them. Crazy right? On the surface, I am what you call a ‘normal friend’, e.g, showing and doing all the right emotions and bonding – but on the inside, I was building a portfolio of them; like a freaking mini research to see if they are ‘worthy’ of my friendship.
Throughout primary school, I have been bullied, e.g, racial profanities, punched, spat on, dragged across the play-ground and left bleeding. Needless to say, my parents moved me from school to school, finally landing on one that is neither racist nor full of nasty kids. I believe this early ‘trauma’ had shaped my personality and opinions on social interactions – which resulted in me being a hermit, until college that is – which I am so thankful for. I have experienced different people, different personalities, it was also really when my self-acknowledgement, self-development and my self-worth slowly sky-rocketed. I was on the road to finding out who I am.
(Only a handful of people know this about me and so I hope that I seem more human to you.)
Anyways, I am not special by any means – but I am so very conflicting. It is the same as putting electricity and water together, it is not going to end well, but I have learned and still learning to embrace my mind castle.
Just some examples of paradoxes:-
- Faithful yet detached;
- Intensely committed yet relaxed;
- Gentle yet tough;
- Serious yet Superficial (not sure if superficial is the right word but it popped into my head);
- Sensitive yet unemotional ;
- Starry-eyed idealists yet bitterest of cynics.
There are many many more. It can be tiring yet exciting, most of all, I am secretly fighting a war with myself; ‘who I want to be and what I should be”.
Reading the above, there really is a reason why I choose to remain a secret – I am too confusing to explain, it just about makes sense in my head but if you ask me to describe and express the true me…well, lets’ just say you would have more luck doing the Macarena with Predator. (Predator v Aliens).
OR, you can just read my blogs to see how my brain works to give you an overall view of what my personality is like.
I hope you enjoyed my first post! – Geomeun Goyangi