Diary: The Time I Quit Helping People

28/10/2014

~Diary Entry~

I…am a ‘drama-magnet’, people just spill out their life stories at me and back then (few years ago), I felt compelled to listen and to help people. I had no identity during my childhood and teenage years because my experience at primary school turned me into a hermit crab of an individual; yes, witness the aftermath of bullying people. So, deep down I wanted to be someone and to be accepted; somewhere in the realms of my subconsciousness, I wanted people to trust me as a person and I wanted to trust people again too – so I managed to maintain my open-mindedness of people to this day, that is until they prove that they are worthy of being flushed down the toilet…

Now? At present, I know who I am and I know that I CANNOT and WILL NOT please everybody. I can devote my energy to those who really need help by picking and choosing wherever possible.

(Yeah…the word ‘Energy’ made me think of ‘Chakra’. Just thought that I will put this image here – a diary entry does not have to make too much sense right?…hmmms)

Now, the first time I quit helping people was when I realised that my time and advice was being taken advantaged of. Although I really really enjoyed helping people with their personal problems. Throughout the years of 2006/7 – 2011/2, I have had my fair share of helping people who were in need of life directions, relationship advice, breakup advice, individuals who self-harmed, individuals who were suicidal, addicted to drugs and individuals who tried to stop smoking, individuals who kept dropping out of class due to not fitting in or was bullied…I was even asked what someones’ dream could mean. I pretty much became these peoples’ psychiatrist.

It is bad to say that at one point, one person (who had my phone number from an ex classmate) contacted me so much that I had to tell them to refrain from contacting me for a month on separate occasions; it did not work (yups, this person broke this ‘rule’ the very next day).

A guilty thought flashed in my mind about earning some money from this person, my knowledge and advice are gold but as I said before, I was being taken advantaged of. I was being relied upon too heavily on every major and minute decisions that needed to be made – everyday I became a PA and a psychiatrist. I was just a high school student – college student (if you were wondering, “no, I did not ask for money in the end, I couldn’t bring myself to say it”).

Anyways, I got to the point where I just could not be bothered anymore (my interest and passion for helping people was sucked out of me) – so, I quit; I erased my internet friends by deleting my MSN account and my chat-room account.

I guess that I didn’t really have to delete the accounts, I could have just stopped talking to them, but, we were friends and I felt an obligation to help, I mean, these people were in a bad place – maybe they would not care if I never returned to help them but I felt morally that I cannot ‘abandon’ them after helping and lifting them up. They…kind of became my clients, in the business sense…but enough was enough.

As for the person who had my number – this person decided to belittle my intellect one day and so I just walked away and erased him from my brain: INTJ – Erasing You

I was happy to get on with my life, no longer feeling obligated to give advice or help people. However, slowly, my urge to help people crept back up…=-_-=

Between 2013 – 2014, I was helping  5 people; then I semi-quitted. Why? Although I was happy helping these people…I suddenly realised that, why am I helping others when I can’t even help my own family?

This ‘epiphany’ rocked me, I was then questioning everything, “what am I doing?”.

I wanted to so help my family and I didn’t know how to help…how to communicate in a way that CAN and WILL empower them.

So, blogging was a definite option.

I procrastinated throughout university regarding making this blog, I attempted twice on Tmblr but I was somewhat embarrassed at my thoughts after the first blog post. For some reason, letting the world know about my thoughts and intellect made me feel vulnerable, but, to know that I can help my family’ mindset as well as a bigger audience than I already do in real life is…fulfilling in itself for me.

Before, I was holding myself back and feeding my inner Demon – that was until February this year when I decided to pull the trigger; thus INTJ Break-The-Chain was born.

I want to make you have goosebumps, I want to give you your overdue epiphanies and above all, I want to help you all.

Having said the above, there are some people that I cannot help; I cannot help people who refuses to help themselves.

“Perspective is King“

 Geomeun Goyangi