9/11/2017

~Diary Entry~

Hey guys, I’m back! It’s been a whirlwind these past few months and I am…was feeling depressed. Yeah I’m good now.

Okay, now if you were wondering, nah, I wasn’t in a state of depression that was too severe, this brain of mine always manages to just keep me afloat. At best, I think that I was mildly depressed, which is actually enough to make me not want to get out of bed. Ever.

Today, I felt a change in my mood, I finally feel a little bit more happier when I’m left alone to my own devices and with my own thoughts…and to actually focus on the good things that I have no control of (like time etc). Therefore I needed somewhere to write out my brain content that could somehow help other people too, so why not here? =^-^=

For the past few weeks, my brain has been blank for quite a bit…so I found myself frantically trying to find inspiration and something interesting to entertain me. Something mind-blowing to restart the numb brain. What I found was nothing but crap and pointless news, nothing inspirational, amazing, thought-provoking, nothing to enthrall the senses into a moderately happy state.

Basically, I had too much time on my hands and I didn’t know what to do with it. Okay, that’s a lie…kind of. I know what I should be doing, that is being productive instead of moping around until I get to hang out with someone again. It’s like I didn’t want to be in my own company, I didn’t want to be on my own just yet, and, I wasn’t “ready” to think things through.

I actually didn’t know I was in a state of depression until I talked to a certain someone about not being inspired, about not wanting to do anything. That’s the thing with depression, it draws you in and tricks your brain into thinking that you should stay in bed all day, that you shouldn’t do anything; for example, when you hurt yourself, or, are feeling ill, your brain (or even the doctor or someone close to you) tells you to stay in and to rest up well. That’s good and all, but it’s not great in the sense that you’ll still feel the same sh*tty way, your mind would most probably concentrate on the pain or the depression even more because you are not doing anything new to sidetrack all the sadness and whatnot. It can actually become more toxic the more you do nothing and focus on the negatives part of your present state.

So after talking and listening to someone amazing, I realised that I just forgot one of my main motto/ thoughts in life, that is “perspective is king“.

So, what this phrase reminded me to do was to tell the brain to shut up and stop being irritatingly negative, I didn’t like the things that was coming out of my mouth…simply explaining to others that I felt “uninspired” made myself feel shite…maybe certain words are not really classified as being negative to others (as opposed to saying, “I hate myself”), but for me, just mentioning things like “I don’t know what to do”, made me feel miserable, drained and discontent.

However, as mentioned earlier, there has been a shift in mentality, which in return allowed me to get out of bed swiftly and write this post.

Whilst I was going through the morning stuff, I was thinking about my new-found mini euphoria for life again, I was thinking that the problem with having too much time (for me) is feeling that I have to be productive (which makes me even more unproductive because I’m not enjoying the process of knowing that I must do something); then, by the time I get into the swing of things whereby I set myself a routine, something will happen to put things out of whack. That’s life though. I was also thinking that, when I’m older or retired, I would probably feel this sort of depression which makes me not want to stop learning and playing with life even more (not that I was ever going to be much of a docile granny because I’ll go nuts).

Then I thought about how hard it was to mentally motivate myself to get out of bed before, but then something hit me, I thought about people who suffer from chronic pain, now they really struggle to get up…therefore, why the heck am I even letting my brain make me feel like this? Do you know what people would give to just get out of bed freely with no pain? Do you know how many people would want to be in my position and to have the free time that I do? Do you know how many people would want another morning or day?

I’m pretty lucky already.

Of course though, depression is necessary for personal development, we all need depression sometimes in our life to make us appreciate the subtle things. It’s just understanding that you can change your perspective for the better; which is sometimes hard to do, and it takes time to realise this when you are stuck in a rut.

Anywhoooo, I hoped that this post prompted you to think that actually, there are a lot of people who are less fortunate than you right now, and what you are feeling is just temporary.

 

Geomeun Goyangi =^-^=

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