For those of you who are on the verge of a breakup, is already in the ‘mourning’ phase of a breakup (already broken up) or is wondering/ questioning whether to breakup; I hope this blog finds you well.
A mini backstory as to why I wanted to talk about this topic:
Two days ago, my friend vented to me her sadness about her breakup with her boyfriend for the second time. I found myself more vocal on this topic than I ever knew I was capable of. Sure, I’m vocal in my head, but to actually be able to speak clearly in helping to enlighten her made me realize how strongly I wanted to help. I suppose all those years of helping and advising other people with their relationship problems really helped; this, and the fact that I seemed to really like passing on an unbiased and truthful perspective. The people receiving my brain content seemed to like it too and wants more of it.
So here I am, thinking that obviously my friend isn’t the only one to experience heartbreak and breakups…so why not make a blog about it in order to reach more people who needs some unbiased and honest perspective on this whole breakup thing.
Here are the following food for thoughts, you know what that means; it’s time for some introspecting my lovely broken-hearted readers.
~ The rehab/ mourning phase: As you are going to experience or is already experiencing; the pain of breaking up with someone you loved is going to make you feel like a drug addict, because you WANT them back and because you are hurting.
What if I told you that it is always hard for the first 6 months or so? Yep, it’s a long ass battle between wanting this person back into your life and not wanting to have anything to do with them. During these weeks and months, you will always crave them, think about them and feel hopeful whenever they text you or ring you.
But then what? If you don’t know the answer to this and don’t know what to think…then listen to this…
“there was a reason you started a relationship with this person and there is a reason that it ended“
Of course, it’ll be hard to picture the person that you felt so deeply for to no longer be your life partner. You know why it’s hard? Because you were emotionally invested into them and you spent time with this person. You think about the good times and you imagine how it could have been or maybe still could be – here, you are giving yourself and this person an excuse to get back together. Therefore, if you do find yourself craving to go back to them, ask yourself this, “what was the reason that broke you guys up?”.
Was it something trivial? Was it something important? Was your bond not strong enough to get past the trivial stuff? Did you feel strongly about something that you two just couldn’t see eye-to-eye or even compromise or at least tried to understand each other on?
The rehab/ mourning phase takes a long time because what is essentially happening is that your brain is slowly forgetting. Slowly forgetting the minute details of the relationship and slowly forgetting the feelings that you had – it takes time for your senses to become dulled whereby everything becomes murky and unimportant. Your brain will eventually move on, taking your heart with you.
Until then, you have the following to think about and acknowledge.
~ No one else: The feeling of actually feeling or thinking that you won’t love another person like you did for this person is natural. It’s also natural and normal to feel like you won’t be in another relationship. After all, you do or did like this person immensely. However, don’t drive yourself into a corner and close yourself up by thinking that you won’t love another again; instead, be open minded and let the future naturally flow – you’ll be surprised that when you move on, you may just find someone more worthy of you. So don’t be afraid to love and be loved.
~ Your emotions, them & the future: How does this person make you feel? How did this person make you feel? What would it be like in the future?
So if this person makes you feel like crap right now, is there a chance that this person will make you feel worse in the future? Or is it going to get better? Do you see that they have the potential to ‘change’ into a better person or to become a better person? Can you wait for them to be a better person before you lose your spirit, your livelihood, your energy and your spark? Can you wait for them before you lose yourself? From what you see and experience now, can you guarantee that this person can make you feel like the world?
~ Realistic evaluation: What was good about this person? What was bad about this person? Can you see yourself being with this person for a long time? Can you even envision moving in with them?
I know in the moment love will do its’ darndest to engulf you in the moment and make you become blind; but you have to be open minded and smart enough to see the imminent future as to what life with this person might be like.
~ Focus on yourself: Ironically, although you will be thinking about this person a lot and focusing your emotions and energy onto this person…you also need to know when to stop focusing on them. In return, you should focus on what you belief that you deserve from a relationship – don’t be so focused on this person that you miss other opportunities.
If you believe that you have a lot of love to give, then you deserve that back. Simple as that. If you belief realistically that you can give someone your world and make them feel like they are the entire galaxy then you, too, also deserve someone equal to your love.
Don’t lower or compromise what you know you can give in a relationship and don’t let anyone or yourself change the shape of your magic into a negative one. Just know that, if you feel like crap, you will attract crap – so hold yourself highly; genuinely and without pretense.
~ Needs vs Wants: There is a difference between what you need in a relationship and what you want in a relationship. What you need is non-negotiable; meaning that you need certain attributes in a partner and relationship in order to still thrive as an individual when you are in an actual relationship. You are choosing someone to meet your needs.
To ‘want’ something in a relationship means that something can be negotiated – wanting something is when you ‘expect’ someone to be like this or that or expecting a relationship to be like this or that. There’s no solid grounding as to what you want, to an extent, wanting something is also like wishing – you may find yourself thinking along the lines of, “if a person have or doesn’t have a personality trait that I want then that’s fine” – can you see how blasé this sounds?
You’ll need to know what YOU need in a partner and a relationship if you want to be in a healthy and serious one, because you’ll find in the end that this is when humanity teaches you that you can’t expect much from people just based on ‘wants’. So, good luck with wanting.
~ Standards & boundaries: Standards are the elevated form of just ‘needing’ something as standards are more of a criteria that is cemented in your brain that you know that these standards will work best for you. Boundaries are where your morals and belief lies, nobody should push you over your boundaries, for example, making you do something that is not a part of your values, something that goes against what you would normally do. Therefore, have standards and boundaries in place and develop them, most importantly, understand them.
The aftermath of a break up are one of the best times to evaluate what you need and how you view what a relationship should be. I hear so many ex-partners go and get into another relationship within a week of breaking up with you. However, their actions doesn’t have to be a bad thing for you, in fact, what they did should cement into your brain that this person wasn’t right for you. Their actions should reinforce why you know that you deserve better. Seeing it this way and now knowing this, don’t focus on how bad this person was or is or who they are now with; focus on your self worth and what you deserve as this will help you understand and appreciate yourself more.
Again, know your worth, know your boundaries and know your standards and know what you need in a future partner. Be careful with what you choose though, because I know a lot of you will want (or still want) someone to look like this or that, but you have to understand that, personalities are so much more important.
Don’t be one of those generic people who willingly lets someones’ bad attitude and behavior slide just because they look good. Don’t let how people look influence your boundaries.
Another reason why personality needs to be taken into account is because you guys needs to be compatible enough for the relationship to work. Personalities are another non-negotiable because you know that you need these personalities in a partner for you to build a strong connection and a strong relationship foundation.
After the above point, you may have a list comprised of what your partner ideally should have (personality wise) or you may have already developed a list. I would personally advise you to not to have an extensive list though as the list can make you become rigid; if anything, it’s best to understand the sort of person that you are first. Knowing yourself first is so important in order to understand when someone is bringing out the worse in you or are making you question yourself negatively.
When someone continuously makes you doubt yourself…that is when you know that something is wrong here.
Regardless, list or no list; it’s time to fully understand who you are and don’t forget to treat breakups as a learning curve for further self-discovery.
“Finding your soulmate? How about finding your soul, mate”
~ The red flags: Red flags are simply alarm bells that goes off in your mind whenever someone does something negative.
(This one made me chuckle, but er, below is a proper red flag moment…)
You have to understand that there is a difference and balance between a small red flag (small problems with this person) and a major red flag (big problems with this person). Lets’ view it this way: 1 minor red flag out of 20 awesome personality traits isn’t bad at all; but one major flaw/ red flag can ruin and mask all the perceived goodness in this person.
It’s important to make sure to weigh out the good and bad personality traits against each other. Understand which one is a deal breaker for you and understand which one you view as the most important that a partner should or shouldn’t have.
For fun, I’ll give you two scenarios below:
- A person makes you feel like a princess or prince BUT they have occasional violent tendencies or are abusive once slightly irritated or doesn’t know how to express their emotions without hurting your feelings.
- A person treats you like a princess or prince but has the odd moments where they swear when angered.
Which scenario would you choose?
It’s obvious when you look at it like this isn’t it?
What if I said that the person in the first scenario are good looking, like a God or Goddess amongst men and women…would your mind change? Would you still be with this person? Would you make excuses to stay with them?
You want a vague impression of what the person in scenario 2 looks like? Well, if you did then you should know that your preference is still geared more towards on the physical attributes and appearance side. It’s time to change that. So I’ll let you decide on what the person in the second scenario looks like.
Yes, the above was a mini test for your brain…how did you do?
~ Perspectives: As you know, there are always more than 8 sides to a scenario – I like to call these PERSPECTIVES. Facts, feelings, questions and red flags may seem insignificant on their own, but when they are gathered and understood; these insignificant anomalies are actually perspectives.
When you evaluate someone, perspectives are what you concentrate on, or SHOULD concentrate on. For example:
- What does your gut say?
- What DID your gut say?
- What were the facts?
- What DID you think?
- What do you think NOW?
- What made you do the things you did?
- Would you have normally taken the same actions?
- Have you changed?
- What changed you?
- What has changed?
- Is it a positive or a negative change?
- What did this person do?
- What influenced their actions?
- Was your actions justified?
- Was their actions justified?
- Who was this person before?
- What was their personality like?
- What are they like now?
- What was the problem?
- How did the scenario or problem actually played out? (good or bad)
- How should the scenario have been? (better or worse)
- Why a scenario could’ve been better
- Was anything solved?
- Is or was this the person the right one for you? (why they are or why they aren’t)
I’ve given you more than 8 perspectives, hopefully I’ve given you more perspectives that you never thought of or have willingly ignored.
~ Empathy & wrongdoing: Know the difference between empathy and wrongdoings. Why? Because it’s a mistake everyone makes – empathy makes for giving people second, third, fourth and fifth chances easier. It is indeed hard to distinguish the two when you are blind sighted by your emotions, so lets’ have a look shall we?
- Empathy is an emotion driven factor – presenting you the ability to understand others feelings.
You may find that empathy rules over sympathy when you are ‘mourning’. So you will naturally feel guilty, pity, sorrow or even feel sorry for that someone – even more so if this someone had a bad upbringing or a hard life that turned them into the person they are today. It’s possible that you think you can change someone by being with them and guiding them, but in reality, you can’t unless they allow themselves to change.
- Wrongdoings are simply actions based – unjustified negative actions, immoral actions, offense and unacceptable behavior.
To differentiate the two, I gave my friend a quick, yet humorous example that allowed her to separate her empathy for her ex, because by the time I made this point, she felt sorry for her ex and couldn’t bring herself to see a reason as to why they broke up in the first place. Yes, I’m sure that a lot of you too would also be stuck on the empathy stage for whatever reason.
So imagine this.
I just murdered you.
But hey! I came from a bad upbringing and you know this so…I’m forgiven right? I know you felt sorry for me and my background somehow led me to killing you so…it’s justified and forgivable, everything is gonna be A-OKAY.
Like come on! You DEAD.
You see why understanding the difference between empathy and wrongdoings is important?
You have to also understand that everything is a choice when it comes to how a person wants and chooses to react. Just because someone has a bad background etc should not let that influence their want to inflict pain on you psychologically or physically. No influence, actions or empathy can make a negative and immoral action right. There are no excuse. You deserve better.
Just because someone had a bad beginning doesn’t mean that they should and will have a bad ending, nor should someone make you suffer the same. Your own emotions and actions are your own choice – it’s also a little something, that shouldn’t become influenced by outside factors when you choose to control yourselves and to actually become a beautiful and better version of yourselves.
Again, you have a choice, they have a choice, everyone has a choice. No matter how hopeless.
~ Distractions: There’s plenty of different ways that people cope with a heart break. Most of the time is you doing something to distract yourself and even better, possibly turning your sad energy into bettering yourself.
Remember though, you also need to actually think in order to heal. Do keep in mind that you shouldn’t make decisions based on sadness, anger or even happiness. For the most part, these emotions can be temporary and so if you base any irrational decisions on them, you’ll find yourself in deep sh*t.
Nonetheless, during this time, you’ll find yourself wanting to feel valued by another person, and, it’s one of the reasons why people get with other people so quickly after a breakup – that or they are trying to make you jealous, trying to show you that they have moved on OR that they we two-timing you to begin with etc.
So don’t hurt yourself by doing negative things based on temporary emotions, especially sadness. There’s a lot of ways to feel valued and to feel loved if you can’t love yourself from within.
Your friends, your family and even your dog, cats, hamsters etc are a good way to help you to feel a sense of value, belonging and love. Nothing compares to the love that you can give yourself though.
The aftermath of a breakup is naturally hard, because it should be hard. It means you have loved someone dearly.
During these moments of weakness, remember your worth, find your worth and understand and embrace your worth – you have a choice and you are responsible for your own happiness. Be the one to be okay when someone walks away from you.
Remind yourself that you deserve happiness. That you deserve the same love that you give out.
Lastly, continue to learn, continue to grow and continue to embrace and receive love.
All decisions are down to you, I merely just serve as a guide.
Good luck =^-^=
(I’ve been enjoying this song a lot lately, enjoy~)
P.s I don’t think I have ever written the word ‘love’ so many times in a blog before XD